Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
sigh
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
uh oh
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.