If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.