If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Ugh
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary