Life is a suicide mission.
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker