A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
This is Sparta
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.