My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Great acting.. 😂
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
And that about sums it up.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs