WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
They grow up so quick
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.