(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.