The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.