ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
when you are just born a rebel
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds