I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.