– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…