I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Hey I worked for it too!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
#Caturday
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.