Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
😂😂😂
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.