Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.