Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
(Gaming support cat.)
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.