Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
this is 10/10 content no notes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Don’t tell me what to do
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.