Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Nice try, poison.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Breaking news:
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.