We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
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It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I want what they have
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?