My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …