Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*orders delivery*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight