me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”