fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
What if the weather talks about us?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’m already scared
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.