this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.