I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.