I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
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*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Y’all know who you are.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
What do you hear?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.