I need this for my side hustle.
You Might Also Like
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Ape together strong
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.