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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.