“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves