The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’