Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
R.I.P.
#NoRestForTheWicked
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Dietest Coke
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I would love to ker-sploosh this.