my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *