Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
No, I don’t think I will.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*