My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*