You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
what the
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game