I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for