Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Huge, if true.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh