Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Plant care tips
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I love you…
…r dog.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.