Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe