I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4