(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Well, my evening plans are ruined
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke