Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
You Might Also Like
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?