How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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OH. COME. ON.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.