I have many caverns
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
i think we should see other cousins
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.