If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me My dog
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.