gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“Wait, let me explain..”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.