My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
What
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*