Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Worlds greatest photobomb
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*