me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?