Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.